I arrived back from holiday on Saturday to the headline, “Celebrity Big Blubber”, and despite my dislike of The Sun you have to give credit for a good headline where it’s due. I immediately got on the phone to my brother to fantasise about the most ridiculously politically incorrect solution to the problem of whales in the Thames.
His solution is as such:
Simply invite a Japanese whaling schooner, flying a Confederate flag and with the crew dressed in fluresacent jackets, to roar up the Thames and harpoon the beast in front of the thousands of adoring parents and children. Then simply drag the animal backwards through the Thames barrier.
Replace the captain with Cliff Richard or Penelope keith and the crew with hardened football hooligans who will wear Chelsea tops, Stone Island jumpers and Burberry Caps whilst continuously swiging free Stella Artios. The empty cans will naturally be flung over board with not a second thought. The schooner would be fitted with an outrageously loud public address system that will blare out Angels by Robbie Williams at a deafening volume. Tony Blair would oversee proceedings from an enormous plastic throne on the Embankment, laughing hysterically and thumping his chest repeatedly whilst pointing at the crew, who by that point would have worked themselves into a crazed frenzy of violent euphoria.
The above is of course an utterly ridiculous fantasy in black humour that thankfully would never be feasible in such a civilised society, due mostly to the fact that a whaling schooner is to big to get under Westminster bridge.
Hopefully this would serve as a warning to the whale community that the Thames is for Debris and sewerage, not for attention grabbing stunts aimed a gaining a part in yet another outrageously tedious Disney movie.