London cyclist #1: The city accountant

He’ll probably get off the train at Cannon Street or London Bridge. Along with his important AACCA documentation, his work clothes and sensible shoes will be tucked inside a cheap Fitness First day bag strapped to his back.

On alighting the train he will go about unpacking his Brompton folding bike, tugging and screwing at the various parts with his elbows and backside banging into other commuters struggling to get past. The whole procedure will have about it an earnest importance that comes with the lower ranks of middle management, that quiet and serious demeanour of corporate life by which the bored justify their bored existence. The concentration, blank look and scruffy sweatshirt at the weekend (Nottingham University).

Now he’s queuing to get through the gate, bobbing from side to side with impatience as he makes last minute adjustments to the Brompton folding bike, sturdy and traditional. He’ll be wearing a bright yellow rain resistant cycling top that will probably smell of stale sweat, that’ll be accompanied by a pair of lycra shorts that will be stretched to capacity by his ever expanding bottom. The legs will be unshaved and as anyone with any knowledge of the sport will tell you, that is a big NO if you’re going to wear Lycra. The side pocket of the cheap rucksack from the gym he never goes to will have a copy of the Metro stuffed in the side, it’s free after all. The full effect will be topped off by a garish helmet of metallic blue and red that he’ll drop when he gets his travelcard from the outer pocket of the backpack. You think he looks stupid now, wait until he gets on the Brompton folding bike.

Overweight blokes on bikes are all about momentum. Once they get going they can’t stop, and the city accountant on the folding bike is no exception to the rule. He’ll thunder along the streets balanced precariously over those tiny little wheels, panting heavily as his huge thighs pound and wobble a low gear. Like his company’s corporate policy, it’s definitely a case of no pain no gain, which is why he’ll be sweating like a pig by the time he gets to Ludgate Circus.

Don’t get in his way because a pair of utterly ridiculous wrap around blue mirror shades will render this 20mph unstoppable lump completely blind. Don’t bother shouting either, because he’ll be listening to Massive Attack album on his iPod (White earphones).

Utterly, ridiculous.