The Campsite Nazi

Dad was a camp site Nazi. It’s not something I hold against him, it’s a state of mind he developed to deal with children, adults and animals on camping grounds.

I can’t remember when he became a Campsite Nazi, but it must have been around the time of the Welsh Holiday incident when he arranged a family camping trip with his brother Harold. Uncle Harold arrived at the camp site in Wales, unloaded his wife and five children, got the hump, turned his Cortina around and drove straight back to Guildford, leaving Dad for two weeks on a wet campsite with eight children – three in nappies.

A Campsite Nazi shows his displeasure at an already immaculate camp area. Notice his twatish adventure sandals, notice also that Mand simply doesn't give a shit.
The authors brother, a classic Campsite Nazi. France 2006

Becoming a Campsite Nazi was his only option. I’ve become a Campsite Nazi myself, like my father It’s something I’ve had to adopt to deal with the sheer incompetence of the modern adult in the outdoor arena.

So what is a Campsite Nazi? On a practical level The Campsite Nazi keeps things tidy and gets stuff done, he oversees camp proceedings so other campers can focus on listening to what he has to say. It’s also about being prepared to deal with problems, being punctual and avoiding accidents. Campsite Fascism can be described as a state of mind, being mentally prepared for what’s on the days agenda and ready to improvise in case of disaster.

Camping simply wouldn’t be what it is without the supervision of a self appointed Campsite Nazi, however if you don’t like the idea of your spare time being mico managed by a miserable self important dick-wad in his early forties, here’s ten ways to annoy your Campsite Nazi (CN):

Tent pegs

Don’t bother using a rubber mallet to secure tent pegs, that’s the correct tool for the job. No, simply kick them in with the heel of your stupid homo Espadrilles with an equally gay stamping motion. If the peg hits starts to bend, just keep kicking until the peg is ruined beyond use, shrug and skulk off like the grubby student you are.

Noise

On arriving back at a quiet nature reserve campsite from the pub after several pints of cloudy cider, there will be no need to look for your head torch. Simply repeatedly shout, “WHERE’S MY FUCKING HEADTORCH!! I CAN’T FIND THE FUCKING CHARLIE WITHOUT A HEADTORCH” as loud as you can. While you’re there, don’t forget to trip over the guy ropes of the Saab driving shy middle class family with teething twins, laugh uncontrollably and meet any kind of response to your behaviour with, “It’s like my world too you fucking selfish cunt!”

Points of interest

This one is for when the CN points out something particularly interesting, like a bird of prey or a seasonal shrub. Simply turn away mid sentence, hold up your hand and tell CN that you have to use your iPhone SKY Go app to double check that Keeping up with the Kardashians is being recorded. And that foghorn voice of self importance you developed whilst living in London? Don’t forget to put that to good use by hilariously accusing that group of harmless bird watchers of being a paedophile ring.

Washing up

CN will almost certainly take care of washing up, however if you unfairly end up doing it just use the wrong side of the sponge pad to wash the dishes. CN will hover over your shoulder until you let him take over and do the job properly. This will free you up to annoy the CN even further by joining some students in throwing an aerobee around whilst singing along to Mumford & Sons. Don’t forget to scrape something metallic against CN’s new Trangia non stick frying pan, he will have warned you about this several months before the campsite was booked, or even before the pan was purchased and then twice a day thereafter, the tedious prick that he is.

Dogs

On arriving at your camping location, as a dog owner your first job will be to ignore the impending rain clouds and work your hound up into an insane frenzy of excitement. When the animal finally becomes too much, simply tie it up outside CN’s tent and go about putting your own tent up in peace and quiet. By the time you’re done hopefully the dog will have backed out a steaming shit, simply smile knowingly and tell CN that your filthy pet has, “left him a present and he should see it as a sign of affection”.

Ball games

Any kind of game that involves fun and / or laughter will drive CN insane. Simply grab a ball out of your entry level Audi A3 and proceed to clumsily boot it about the campsite with no consideration for any other camper, especially CN. To add insult to injury pull on an Barcelona (the city that smells of urine) FC shirt ,  a pair of “Made to look scruffy” baggy combat shorts and top the look off with some form of cuntish facial hair. Once you’ve finished having a “Knockabout” and your shit smeared ball has bounced through CN’s food preparation area at least twice, you can chillax with a few rollies. When you put your ball away, don’t forget to get that stupid fixie bike with no brakes or handlebars out of your silver hatchback and show it to anyone who’ll will look. And like, don’t attempt to ride it, you can’t and you never will, dude.