What not to keep in your wallet

1. Receipts

Don’t bother putting these in your wallet, they will add unnecessary clutter and make you look like a self employed builder, nobody wants that. You’ll end up taking your wad of receipts home and dumping them on the side in that pile of clutter that gets blown around the hall every time the front door opens. You only need to keep receipts for expensive items that may need to be returned, receipts for magazines and cans of Rio can be left in WHSmiths or thrown down outside in the street.

Tip: Politely ask the shop assistant to put the receipt in the bag, this serves a double purpose in that it it’ll prevent you touching her hand and making you feel like a sex pest.

2. Drugs

Your stash of choice will spill out everywhere, get into the stitching and mark you like a neon sign. Shop assistants will see it fall out onto the counter or notice it drop out of the numbers in your crappy Maestro card. And whilst drugs are cool and fun, the last thing you need on a paranoid Tuesday morning a panting Labrador sat in front of you with his handler pretending to be your friend as he rifles through your personal effects.

Tip: Get your other half to keep the stash in her bra. It’s loads more Rock and Roll and if she gets busted you wont have to worry about Marmite Motorway interference at Pentonville.

3. A Condom

Why? That new girl on reception is suddenly going to acknowledge you actually exist and bang you in the cleaning cupboard? In your dreams, maybe. Carrying a Jonny around in your wallet is the sign of delusional egomania. If a woman notices it she’ll think you’re a David Wicks wannabe and an sex starved chancer. And what if you get searched by the old bill? They’ll assume you’re a rapist, albeit thoughtful one.

Tip: Wake up, or wait until you get home.

4. No cash

A double negative, that caught you out. Nothing pisses bar staff off more than a piece of plastic waving over the bar, they have to wait and so does everyone else whilst you live out some 1980s AMEX wet dream. It’s uncool and anti social, if you do this in a proper pub you’ll look like a middle class student who drinks Hoegaarden and stays in his own round. The simple and irrefutable fact is, cash makes you look like a man. Paying for two pints on your Santander Connect Card? Don’t be that guy.

Tip: Pay with a crisp twenty, not forgetting to fold it in two between your index and middle finger.

5. Business cards

If you want to look like a douche bag then pull a business card out of your wallet, this action is second only to the condom as an act of delusion narcissism. This isn’t necessarily true, but if like me you’re not important enough to warrant a business card then you’ll be feeling better already 🙂

6. Pictures of your kids

Bore off, nobody else is in the least bit interested.