Four people who might actually give a shit about the royal baby

The honest cabbie fruit and veg bricklayer

A Nation of fools? The monarchy can’t believe its luck

For some reason this person actually believes that the Royal family are looking out for them and their families in some form of all seeing religious benevolence. They live their lives in a Dads Army style fantasy where the Queen Mother is still alive and actually gives a fuck about anything apart from lying about the war, horse racing or stockpiling gin at the taxpayers expense.

When the staunchly royal “salt of the earth” aren’t shafting their customers with a cheeky grin and their roughish charm they’ll be hoovering coke from the urinal before boring you to tears with stories about their tedious slave jobs that nobody gives a shit about.

Quite why the working class idolise the royal family is beyond the grasp of social scientists the world over. Although some suggest It may have something to do with a shared interest in tax evasion, gambling and having sex with family members.


Grandma’s don’t work, sponge off the state and have little or no grasp on reality. Sound familiar? This is why they love the royal family and go into royal overdrive at the appearance of yet another dim child the rest of us will have to put through Eton.

They don’t mean any harm, they just can’t tell the difference between a bunch of immigrants living a life of opulence at the taxpayers expense and a demographic of demonised foreigners working as hard as possible to better themselves.

All of her royal updates will come via the Sycophants in Waiting (BBC) because venturing online to get a slightly more balanced view will probably involve getting raped by a gang of eastern European identity thieves.

The selfish tory fuckwit

Anyone that has ever voted Conservative is a fuckwit. Nowhere is this more apparent than in their blind and sycophantic support for the British Monarchy. Conservatives support the Royal family because they think it puts themselves in the same position of privilege from which they can lord it over anyone who doesn’t own loads of shit nobody else can afford.

We all know at least one, they tell you they’re proud to be British but almost everything they own will be foreign and they’ll demonise their countrymen on a daily basis for no other reason than plain old snobbery. The tory fuckwit will often become confused when confronted with the disparity between the hard work, fair play ethos of their party and the lazy wanton greed of the monarchy to which they slavishly pander. Confused? Try being them.

The baby bore from the office

She’ll spend most of the morning on posting about the academic development of her two year old brainchild who is “quite advanced” before disappearing to the toilets for a few hours weeping.

It’s not so much the royal baby that she’s exited about, more the continuous parallels with the return of Jesus that her colleagues will have to endure before they simply can’t face turning up for work anymore. Afternoons are always a good time for a baby catch up, before her most important task of the day, leaving early to collect Angus and Arrabella from the nursery that’s been subsidised by her employer.

But hey, none of this matters, “You’ll understand when you have your own”.